Shankhassick Farm, Durham, New Hampshire
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good girl this year. Really, I have. So, assuming that refraining from naughty and being nice qualifies me, I’m humbly submitting a list of communications measurement gifts I want this Christmas, please. They’re not just for me, but for all of us, to help improve everyone’s metrics.
1. An InfluenceAura™ Mood Ring to tell us when influence is happening.
So much of what communicators do is designed to persuade and/or influence, yet we understand very little of how that process works. Influence these days is a lot like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of pornography: you “know it when you see it.” In the case of influence and persuasion, you know it when it happens to you.
Here’s how I know… I’ve hated dogs ever since they started biting me at the age of 5. I assumed they hated me and I simply reciprocated. Then I got chickens. Foxes started getting my chickens, and everyone’s advice was to get a dog. I still wasn’t interested until I was introduced to a Great Pyrenees and was told by many chicken owners that they were the answer to my fox problem. I figured I could probably tolerate one if it really did protect my chickens. So, 18 months ago, courtesy of my neighbors, a small polar bear named Princess Leia arrived on the farm. That’s her up above.
That’s when I changed my mind and began to think a little differently about dogs. But I still hadn’t developed any affinity to any canine that wasn’t Princess Leia.
Then when I was canvassing for votes last fall, terrified of knocking on the doors of potentially hostile voters, I realized that the best way to get people to talk to me was ask their dog if it knew who it was voting for for president. I was astounded how much easier it was to persuade people if I met them at eye level with their pet.
My point is that the epitome of persuasion is what happened to me, a lifelong dog-hating cat lover who now looks forward to cuddling on the couch with a 125-pound canine. It took a combination of necessity and a strong “what’s in it for me?” — and yes, big brown puppy eyes helped. But if that’s what it takes to cure a life-long cultural division, PR people need more of it.
The problem is that we know that it isn’t that simple.
Which is why, Santa, please bring me a electronic device that delivers a warm fuzzy feeling when influence is taking place and electric shock when its not. Or at least some sort of a system that helps us all better understand the process. And for my friends out there who want to learn more about influence, take them this podcast. It doesn’t have all the answers, but it’s a start. And this is another great discussion.
2. A ViewMaster Data Access-O-Matic™, so we can have easier access to sales, marketing, and business data.
As soon as I raise the issue of better metrics these days, the biggest complaint I hear from both clients and agencies is that they “can’t get access to the required data.” My immediate response is that if hackers and Russians can get access to it, why can’t the PR department? Seriously, I know PR can be rough sometimes, but are we really that big a threat that the C-suite must keep us away from data that will make us better, more efficient communicators?
3. Audience Analysis X-Ray Specs™, the online tool that matches products and issues with the perfect audience persona and tells me how to reach them.
The key question that all communications professionals face in 2018 is the need to identify the right influencers that will sway their stakeholders to act. The problem with most existing tools is that they look at the problem from a topic perspective, i.e., I have a product that address the xyz issue. So I put xyz words into a form, and assume that all the people who are using those words must be the “influencers.” That approach isn’t entirely wrong. It just isn’t very accurate, given the numerous different personalities, problems, and needs of the “audience” you are trying to reach. What we really need is ongoing survey research on our stakeholders and audiences to find out what they are truly paying attention to.
4. A Web-Tronic 2000™ website visitor happiness meter.
This very useful measurement device will tell me if customers are getting what they want from my content. What do customers really what when they come to a site or a page? More importantly, how do I know if they are getting what they want? Clicks and page views just don’t tell us very much. If what drives customers and prospects to do business with us isn’t making them happy, we need to learn what would make them happy, and if they are getting it. Gerry McGovern has written a good description of the problems the happiness meter needs to solve.
5. A MediaMind Blend-Wow!™, the tool that checks media lists against target audiences and ranks them by influence.
Everyone in PR keeps a list of “top tier media.” The problem again is the list is generally created internally based on who is most likely to cover you and/or who your leadership thinks is important. Who cares what they think? You should care about what influences your stakeholders and audiences, so why don’t you ask them?
6. A PodGod™ podcast measurement tool.
Podcasts are growing in number and influence, yet there is no system in place to measure their influence. Heck, there isn’t even really a system in place to find out if your brand is mentioned on one. Apple is the big gorilla in the field, controlling the clear majority of podcast usage. While they are talking about releasing more data, that’s still only a portion of the market. The PodGod™ FullAuto™ is the solution to this technological problem.
7. The SM EZ-Klean™ social listening tool remover, guaranteed to banish unwanted SM metrics forever.
More is not better. A pox on all social listening tools, I say! They generate a ton of metrics that are mostly based on flawed Facebook and Twitter data. Everyone dutifully puts in their reports and then heaves them over the cubical wall at leadership. No one knows if they are producing revenue or doing anything particularly useful. Every customer should go to their vendor and insist on:
- A universally consistent definition of engagement, and
- No more than three total metrics.
8. Peace on (Measurement) Earth: An end to media agencies selling eyeballs… and anyone asking me how to calculate impressions.
The era of eyeballs is at an end. The calculations these days are just plain silly, and they really don’t provide any useful information. I mean, seriously, if you are a B2B company or a service company and brag about generating 10 million impressions, then I have just two questions for you:
- How many new customers do you need?
- What would you do if all 10 million people called and ordered?
Oh, and finally, here’s a special request. Bob Garfield predicted the demise of eyeball counting years ago in “Can’t Buy Me Like.” But it’s taken a lot longer to kill off than either of us thought. So, Santa, can you just do me a favor and put coal in the stocking of all the agencies that still push this nonsense?
Thank you Santa,
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