A Xmas List for Santa from the Measurement Queen

Dear Santa –

First, I’ve prepared a nice dashboard with all my Xmas KPIs for 2015:

I hope you’ll be happy. I’ve reduced my Pouting Score by 34.7% and my Lacrimal Index is down by 88.7%, while my BQI improved 25.8%. As my results show, I’ve been really working hard on my NPS (Net Present Score), too. So don’t you agree that I really do deserve the following communications measurement tools in my stocking?

1. A Close But No Cigar stat widget — It’s a popup that appears whenever any statistic is referenced anywhere on the Web and reports the margin of error and any other statistical validity check available. If there was none, the statistic would instantly become invisible.
2. An In Your Dreams ROI replacement app — This app executes a sequence of actions whenever the term “ROI” is detected. It analyzes the data and calculations to check the accuracy of the formula used. If the calculation does not adhere to GAP standards, then the term ROI is removed and replaced with the term “Invalidated Purported Results.”
3. An “Are You Really Aware?” probe — To resolve the debate about whether engagement really is an indicator of awareness this tool accurately calculates the change in awareness following various levels of engagement. Instead of a silly NPS question at the end of every engagement, or firms coming up with entirely new equations to measure relationships like “brand intimacy,” it probes your brain to determine if, in fact, you are actually aware of the brand in question.
4. A Spock-O-Matic Mind Meld conferencing system — So it actually feels like you’re in the room with your audience! Anyone who has ever been on a conference calls knows it’s guaranteed that, somewhere in the process, slides won’t appear, callers will drop off, screens will stop sharing, and your messages will get missed. Santa, if you can’t give me a Spock-O-Matic, at least give me a web conferencing system that allows human communications.
5. A How C-Suite It Is mind-reading sensor — Attaches to a CEO/CMO/COO’s coffee cup and enables communications professionals to read the mind of the user and instantly understand what they mean when they say “Is our PR working?”
6. A Cite Unseen validity and relevancy widget — It pops up whenever any research is cited to indicate the date the research was done, who paid for it, whether it has been replicated, and whether any subsequent work has shown the data to be false.

Wait a minute… Time out for a free benefit of your Measurement Advisor subscription:

Attend the Measurement Hour Live Chat on Wednesday December 16th.

Who: You, Katie Paine, and fellow paid subscribers to The Measurement Advisor

What: The Measurement Hour Live Chat: This month’s topic is “Measurement 2015: Year in Review,” but Katie will field any questions you have.

When: Wednesday, December 16th, 12-1pm (EST)

Where: Via your computer, tablet, or smartphone (see below for details)

How: Join the Measurement Hour Live Chat from your computer, tablet or smartphone by going to: https://global.gotomeeting.com/join/251495525

You can also dial in using your phone: United States +1 (571) 317-3122
Access Code: 251-495-525

One more thing…!
Please submit your questions in advance to us either via our Facebook page, Twitter, or email Erinn (erinn.larson@painepublishing.com).

Now let’s get back to the article…

1. A Crap-Stat inescapable spell check widget — Auto-replaces the word “Impressions” with the phrase “potential-opportunities-to-see-maybe-if-you’re-lucky.” Also replaces “AVE” with “stupid flawed metric that shouldn’t be in this report.”
2. A “Stats or Coal” university graduation requirement — Please, please require that anyone graduating with a degree in communications, journalism, or PR, as well as  anyone entering the field of corporate communications, social media, public relations, public affairs, or media relations, take at least one statistics course and one business course. In this day and age, Santa, anyone who doesn’t have a solid knowledge of business and at least a passing understanding of statistics deserves coal in their stocking.
3. A Video Vérité automatic sentiment/message probe for video content — This device will automatically scan any video content on the web mentioning my clients and tell me if it contains a key message and whether it leaves the target audience more or less likely to do business with the organization.
4. A “Show Me the Money” PR-to-Revenue App — A dashboard that automatically calculates the correlation between PR, social activity, and business outcomes.

Thank you, and have a Merry Xmas,

Katie