Dear Santa, this is what the Measurement Queen wants for Christmas

Last weekend, a visit from a couple of millennials who decided they needed a bit of nostalgia found me sitting down and binge-watching the first two Santa Claus movies. Since I never had kids of my own, I’d never seen them before. And, as silly as they are, they certainly reminded me of the importance of one’s “List.” Not “the bucket” or “the best of” – but the one that Santa checks twice to find out if you’re naughty or nice. Clearly, if you don’t make a Christmas wish list, you’ll never get what you want.

So, the first step, being the Measurement Queen, was, of course, was to look back over the last year, analyze all my waking hours of the last year, and create a pivot table that informed me that my niceness outweighed my naughtiness at least 72.4% of the time. Phew. The last thing I (or for that matter anyone else) needs right now is more coal.

So Dear Santa, assuming I pass muster, here is what I’d like for Christmas 2023:

  • An API feed for all of LinkedIn

I know Santa that I’ve been asking for this for the last umpteen years, and yes, I realize I should be asking the nice folks up there in Redmond first, but they haven’t listened either, so I was hoping you could work your magic and make it finally happen.

  • A “pick your own audience” app.

A “reaching my target audience” today resembles going on a Snipe hunt. Everyone wants to find it, but no one can really define what they’re looking for. The problem is that that proverbial “target audience” may or may not be reading or watching anything that resembles traditional media anymore. So, if you’re trying to persuade them to buy something or do something, you need to figure out where they are, what they’re reading and who they trust. So my suggestion, Santa, is that you get some of your nerdier elves to develop a “Pick your own audience” app. They could put in every adjective and/o. emographic that they think is important and it would spit out the exact feed, channel, outlet, or author that is most important to that audience.

  • Self-cleaning data

My constant companion is of the four-legged variety – an 80-pound Great Pyrenees. He is one big floof of white fur. And, living on a farm as we do, he can get unbelievably dirty. But the beauty of the Great Pyrenees is that they are self-cleaning. Give them an hour and all that dirt and mud just disappears.

So, Santa, can you figure out how he does it and give me a magic want that will make all the dirty data that I get disappear as easily? The problem is, Santa, it keeps getting easier and easier to scrape data and AI just makes it worse. And the more data there is, the more errors I have to deal with. So please Santa, can you make it go away?

  • A magic eraser for all vanity metrics.

And speaking of things that I wish Santa would make go away, “vanity metrics” are number one on my list. You know the ones I mean, all those meaningless but enormous 9-figure statistics that every social media platform and dashboard automatically produces that are totally meaningless because if they were real, you would have reached every human on the planet 4 times, even if they don’t have a computer, internet, or know how to read…

  • Free the Data

Dear Santa, one of my biggest requests for 2024 is better access to data, specifically for my clients to have full and easy access to all the data they need to measure success. especially data from Google Analytics. If you can’t actually give them the data, can you give them the right words and persuasion techniques to convince their leadership that they can’t measure their impact without it.

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